I won't say that I am okay

So what is the best time to write an emotional blog entry? Midnight, with Kodaline songs on the jam of course. With broken English and endless night thoughts. At this point, I don't even know to whom I should talk to , what am I going to do with my life in the future. One thing that still keep me strong until now is I know this too shall pass.

So it's been about 3 months since I broke up with Albert. I don't know the exact date. Seriously I don't have any idea. I mean I've key it in my previous gold iphone but I lost my phone because I was snatched last month? Maybe. See? I don't even remember it. All I know it was during my study weeks. Along with my laptop. I guess I am a person who doesn't like to remember the date of a bad day. But I do remember date of good days.

I was so fucked up when the snatching scene happened because I really need my laptop to study and not to mention the notes that I have lost because they were in the laptop bag too! But with God's grace I managed to pass the second year professional examination which is totally out of expectation because out of 5 papers, there were none of them that I can answer properly. During that time, all I can think is I am going to quit medical school if I fail this exam because I don't want to waste another 1 year just to repeat the year. I even told my mom about this.

And honestly, 21 years of living, I never cry when I'd passed the examination. But for the first time in my life, I cried in front of Jesus's portrait when I was praying , showing my gratitude. I was so touched because I knew He helped me a lot during this difficult time. Yes it was difficult for me, and it is still being one.

Imagine breaking up a 6 years relationship during your study weeks. And I remembered I started it, at Starbucks in Paradigm mall. I just had to. It was never my attention but I have no choice. It is not an easy choice to make especially when both of you made promises that you will stand up for the relationship even though your family against it. But I guess this is what you called as maturity; the process where you slowly become an adult. I mean I did realized this whole time that this relationship is going to be tough. But something, something that is so private and confidential that I cannot mention here had happened.

And even after that incident happened, my dad is still with his ego and he still refuse to accept Albert. I mean yeah surely he did that for my own good, Because parents are like that; they just want the best for their child, especially me being the eldest. You know? All the responsibilities lie on my shoulders, that sometimes I wish I have 5 shoulders instead of two. So yeah my dad stubbornness made me realized that this is seriously not gonna work as we planed before. So I made the decision. A decision that may be good for my future, make my parents feel better yet obviously is killing me inside.

After the broke up, I dare to tell you that I have turned 180 degree from my norm. I've neglected normal and good girl life and I became socially wild. Well maybe for some of us it is not that wild but for me, it is. I smoke, drink, go to club, and etc. And I don't mind if you are going to judge me for that. Because this? You just know quarter of my stories, not even half. I don't know why I did that. Maybe it was a platform for me to think less about this. And to tell you the truth, what hurts me more is because I can't even cry. All I can is feeling the wrenching and crushing feeling in your chest; every night.

My sleeping pattern starts to fuck up. Like seriously fucked up until I had to take expectorant so that I will be able to sleep earlier. Sleeping at 7 or 8 am is never a problem for me recently. I don't know. I guess this inner disease had affected my external body and my mind too.

I feel bad. Because I am being such a bitch towards him. Even until now. We were talking as normal friends before but I've said something that hurts him deeply. I don't know why I did that but I have this feeling that I wouldn't mind if he hates me if that is going to make him stop being attached to me. Because honestly, I am not attached to him anymore because of this realization. Do I still love him? Of course. What do you expect? It was a long journey. 6 years of being together , feels like wherever you go, you will have memories with him there. At the specific and special date, you will remember him. Any songs, any words, will remind you of him . That is why I stopped listening to Indonesian songs right now because we both are Indonesian songs lover. 


I am a bad friend, and I feel terrible for treating him in such way because I know he will always be there for me whenever I need him. But I just had to. Basically, everything were done because I just had to. :'(

This was on 2015 Christmas :)

Or you just simply showing it for good.

  

To my beloved 2016 :)

It's been years since I started to write again. Now why do I suddenly write again after years?

It's because of 2016. Such a tough year for me. Honestly, the toughest for me so far. 21 years breathing on this beautiful world, and I'm tested real hard this year.

There's too much things that happened until they make me speechless; thinking on how am I going to arrange my story line each time I want to share them to someone.
I'm not a drama queen and I want being one. But basically, my life is just a drama.

Now why do I said it's a beloved year instead ?

Simply because of this. Yeah I feel so tired right now. Emotionally tired, my heart is wrenching but I barely can cry. Do you know how much I wanted to cry? I just want to relieve at least a quarter of this pain. But I don't know. Being born as the eldest child, I've trained myself over years to not to cry easily. And yes I made it. I am not a person who can cry easily. One of my friends called me as " a heart made of steel "

So I believed that these obstacles , were given to me to train me more. I hope that it can be useful for my housemanship(HO) years later on . :)
And the most important thing is, no matter who walks in and out from my life, I know and I am sure that Jesus is still here. Holding on to my shaking soul, embracing my heart with his infinite and wonderful love.